The Idea and Development of O'Dwyer Creative Designs

Since I was a young child, I remember having feelings of anxiety. I expressed it in so many ways. The main thing I did was avoid. I avoided all aspects of life to relieve myself of my unwanted thoughts and feelings of anxiety that coincided with that. My associations were so prevalent that I had trouble every minute in every day. One main thing that caused me anxiety is, ironically, photography.

I associated part of my anxiety with it and as a result, became a negative thing. Photography was part of my many associations and was difficult for me to do. It prevented me from using cameras, phones, saying the words "photography," "picture," "image," or anything of the sort. Though at one time, I loved it, I stopped doing it entirely. I went about my life coping with my many stressors. Yet, with hardships in life, also came great blessings, and so many wonderful things.

I love my family. My mom and dad are the most loving and caring parents. My mom is my best friend and my life support. I cannot say enough about her as a person. She is one of a kind. I can only pray I become half the mother she is. My brother and sister endured my many unique attributes and were there for me. My childhood was full of fun and laughter. My family's love has given me so much joy and happiness. But, I remember how I felt inside. Crying in my bed at 8 years old, for no apparent reason. Just feeling so bad, even among the good. The feelings of anxiety were so strong, even at such a young age. I hid a lot of what was bothering me, because partly, I didn't know. I couldn't tell anyone something that I couldn't describe. My mom noticed it, and tried so many ways to help me. I talked to school counselors, and some therapists briefly, but had no relief. In fact, I felt it hurt me more. Almost making things worse. Because my anxiety was up and down at times, no one could pinpoint what was going on, not even myself. I turned to my mother for comfort, that is the only place I had it. That's how I was able to cope, my mom's constant love.

When I met my husband in 2007, I fell in love at first sight. I realized, everything I went through lead up to that moment. How I got here? The remarkable way he was brought to me. I thanked God that July day. For it was in that moment, I felt God's presence and was in true awe. I thought about everything, good and bad. And only God knows what everything means. It was then, my life became what I always prayed it would be. My husband is my soul mate. God really did make us for one another. He is a man that loves me more than I could ever dream of. We had our first child in 2015 after a long struggle with getting pregnant.

All I wanted to do was photograph my beautiful blessing, my gift from God. But, still, my anxiety was there, through it all. There, always there. My associations were so strong and scared me so bad. It wasn't until the pregnancy of our fourth, that my husband and I knew I finally needed help. My anxiety was heightened and the worst it ever has been. I was afraid of getting help because I went this long without it. I didn't know what it entailed, what stigma would be hovering over me, or if the person would make me feel worse. I was at a different point in my life. So many questions gave me fear, and fear is what prolonged me. But I went. In hopes it would make me the mother and person I wanted to be. Also, I was done feeling this way. It went on so long, but now there was a difference. It wasn't just about me. It was about my children. That was my incentive. In doing so, I was diagnosed with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, abbreviated to OCD.

Finally, I had a name to what was going on my whole life. It is very misunderstood, as it is depicted as someone who is afraid of germs or constantly checking their stoves. Although, this can be the issue or part of one's issue, for me, intrusive thoughts and associations caused me so much anxiety that I would feel the need to rid myself of it. I would wash my hands, take a shower, seek reassurance, avoid, redo something, anything that temporarily suppressed the anxiety brought on upon my thoughts and feelings. Decades of doing this, habitually.

I am now in cognitive behavioral therapy, once a week, to gain the tools I need to fight it. No therapist has been able to help me in the past. I now understand why I wasn't able to get relief as a child. It's not just about going to a counselor or getting therapy; it won't work if you are getting treated for something other than what you have. It's about a true understanding of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. A person needs to know the specifics of OCD to be able help someone with the severity of anxiety I exhibited. With a now known anxiety disorder, my husband was able research certain doctors, he believed, would help me. This, because I was not in a place of researching therapists myself. The doctor, he thought would be a good fit.... is. She has been there for me and my family, and is someone I look up to. She really understands the disease itself, the mental struggle it holds on a person, how family is affected, and what it can do to someone's life. She knows OCD, better than I do, and I have it. She has helped me, my family, and provided me with a sense of hope in something that I thought I would never be able to do. Because of her dedication and knowledge, and as part of my therapy, I came to this venture.

So, here I am, creating a website for something I wasn't even able to say. That is the beauty of life and its gifts. Something that has always hindered me has now brought me great joy, and I LOVE it. In turn, deciding on a name was easy.....call it like it is.... OCD, O'Dwyer Creative Designs. It is this very association I decided on, to mock my OCD. I need to be stronger than it. I need to understand that I will stand against it. This, not only for myself, but most importantly, for my children. Again, it wasn't until they came, that my true purpose was acknowledged. That's how I gathered myself and gained my strength. Anxiety Disorders are real, hard, and affect so many. Either my OCD wins, or I do. My battle, my struggle, will be something I have, and something I will have to fight my whole life!!!! But it is with my utmost intention to conquer it in every way possible. So, please, join me in welcoming O'Dwyer Creative Designs.

Photo Credit for Image Above: Elly Olson, Photographer and Stylist